A Cataclysmic Life
The blade was cold. The blood was hot, in a way I guess it cancelled each other out. Although it all went numb after sometime, he lay back and closed his eyes. A single tear streamed down the side of his face. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn’t help it. He craved the pain because he knew it helped him feel less about her. It had been about a month since she broke up with him but the heartbreak felt fresh as ever. Every thought he had any more revolved around her, her touch, her taste, her smell, her beauty. It was as if the memories had been branded into his skull, or a constant re-run of that one really shitty show on TV. He couldn’t get away from it. He had different thing he could do, he thought of them as pain killers, they would help him keep his mind off of her for short periods of time, whether it be biking, running, or this. His scars like patterns, from his elbow to his palm. Across his waist, even one on the back of his leg. He tried to hide them at one point but figured there wasn’t a use; everyone knew what he was like already. When he thinks about himself all he can think is how no wonder she broke his heart, he’s a monster. Who else would be such a masochist? The blood started to drip down the side of his wrist and he gasped up from his thought process. He quickly grabbed a Kleenex and wiped the blood away before it reached the bed, although his parents knew, they liked to believe he didn’t cut. So he tried to make as little of a mess as possible. He waited for the blood to clot, and scar and the same process as ever. Once it stopped bleeding and he could start to feel the pain, he opened the door, went downstairs, and started writing, although he was only 15, he had a gravitation to writing, it was his way to express himself and let his emotions out, he opened the Word document and started typing where he left off, he hadn’t typed ten words when his phone buzzed, he checked the message and who could it be? Her. Jade. The reason for this whole mess. He felt like a cliché love story, the boy is crushed by the girl, and then they make up with a passionate kiss on the beach or in the rain. But this was reality, where there isn’t always a happy ending, and people die, and lives are crushed. That’s how things work. He didn’t find it fair, how she could just go about her life move on and live normally, sure she had her problems but he wanted to be the one that could help her through it, be there for her and vice versa for her. They would have made a great couple and he thought it was going superbly, then all of the sudden, she ended it. Now he could have made it through that, no matter how strong his feelings. But what was the kick when he was down was that she fell for a new guy, not two weeks later. From there everything spiraled. His life took a downhill turn and he started this new habit. He takes a second, staring blankly at her text. They text all the time, they know everything about each other. Or so he thought. The text was a simple opening statement “hi” she never said hey, never. It just wasn’t something she did, the same way she put her winkey faces backwards it was just her thing. He couldn’t respond to the text, he was still upset. His mind racing, through memories of them, it would be too painful to talk to her and re-emerge even more memories. He throws his phone on the couch behind him and goes back to writing.
He finished writing for the day at about 7:00pm; he hadn’t realized it had been 3 hours. He hadn’t even eaten yet. He stands up, stretches, cracks his knuckles and begins to walk. He takes two steps and stops dead in his track; he thinks about not having eaten and then brings his attention to Jade. Something about Jade that crushed him to know is how desperate she is to be skinny. In his eyes she is a perfect weight, what a normal 15 year old should look like, but she has this idea that she needs to see her bones, and her ribs, collarbones. It scares him to think that she starves herself and makes herself puke because she’ll never be happy with who she is. No matter how much he tells her she is fine. It’s not enough. It breaks his heart to think the girls he’s fallen for can’t bear to look at herself in the mirror. But he tries each day anyhow, to try and convert her train of thought and see her beauty and see how amazing she is. His shoulders now slouched at this recent remembrance into the eyes of Jade, he continues across the cold tile floor up the stairs into the kitchen to make himself the fattest, most calorie packed food he can concoct. Something about him that no one could see is that he hates himself, more than any one bully ever could. He’s a skinny guy, very skinny for his age. About 30-40 pounds underweight, but he doesn’t let people know it bothers him. In his spare time he does anything he can to pack on weight, all to no avail. His metabolism is too quick, plus he is an active person, so he is constantly burning it off. In this sense he is the complete opposite of the girl he desires. She does anything she can to get skinny, only to a much more severe degree. After he finished stuffing his face, he goes back to the computer and opens up Facebook, YouTube and Tumblr. He answers the unread notification, watches some new videos, and then when all is said and done, goes on her secret blog, the one she gave to him when she was in a dark place. When he opened it for the first time, he didn’t realize how bad she was; bi-polar, anxiety, eating disorder. She starves herself because she’s afraid to be “fat” and the page is filled with anorexic girls that send chills down his spine. He tries to picture her without any weight, just skin and bones, and the thought scares him enough to almost break his mask, his blessed mask that he hides behind each day the one that covers the face of a broken, destroyed little boy with the rough, strong face of a soldier. He doesn’t dare show anyone who he really is. Especially himself. After he is done with the blog, seen all the new pictures and updates he closes it. After checking the clock he realizes its 9:30, he has had a long day and decides to call it a night. After doing his normal routine before bed he climbs in and puts the covers on, when he feels a sudden pain by his hip, it takes a second to sink in then he sits up and sees a pool of blood under him, looks at his hip to see the razor, halfway inside him, he calmly takes the razor out. Sets it aside, and collapses onto the floor as the shock finally sets in and he passes out. When he finally came to, it was 6:30am. When he passed out he had his legs still up on the bed with his torso angled towards the ground where his head lay, there was tremendous pain in his side where the razor had cut through earlier, and because of the way he had been laying though the night there was dried blood all down the side of his ribs. It disgusted him. As it was still early in the morning he had some time before anyone else in the house woke up. He crept his way into the bathroom, dampens a cloth and starts gently wiping the blood away. Once the dried blood is all gone he stares at the gash in his side, it had to be about 2 inches deep from how far the razor stuck in. He was momentarily scared of having to go to the doctors for stitches but then remembered that if it had been this long and it’s okay now then he shouldn’t even worry about it. He stumbles his way back to his bedroom, still groggy from waking up so early, and grabs some clean clothes and a towel. He jumps in the shower and stands there. He didn’t have school today so he wasn’t under any time constraints, so he decided to take this time to just think. He stood there for more than an hour with his back to the shower letting the warm soothing water crash against his back and head. When he brought his head up from the day dream he was having he decided to start to actually clean himself off. He started with his hair as it was already wet, gently running his strong slender fingers through his hair. As he did so he realized how much blood had actually caked itself into it. It took him another 10 minutes just to get the clots of blood out of it. He finished up his shower with a quick body wash and turned it off. When he opened the door and looked into the rest of the bathroom it looked as though the clouds themselves had descended into his bathroom the steam from the shower was so thick it looked as though he was trying to peer into the forest on a foggy day. He walked across the floor dripping wet and hit the fan button to try and clear up the room, and continued on to dry himself off. When he left the bathroom he grabbed his phone, took a deep breath and replied to Jade. As fearful as he was about the memories the strong feelings he had for her overwhelmed everything else. He tested her for not five minutes and he could already feel himself getting bubbly on the inside, seeing her send smiley faces and making her laugh, it all made him feel too comfortable, as though it was meant to be. He forgot all about his razor, or his mutilated arms, because as she always did, she took over his mind. Contorted it with thoughts of happiness and made him peaceful. It’s like a twisted, fucked up version of Beauty and the Beast. Only the beast didn’t try and kill himself on a weekly basis and Beauty wasn’t an anxious, bi-polar bulimic. He almost found it funny, in a very sad way how he thought they were meant to be together because no one else would want them. Who else would be able to deal with the shit they both had been through unless they were with someone who had to deal with things equally as difficult? That very thought was what kept him positive even during the hard times. He knew they needed each other in a way no one could understand.
A couple hours passed and they were still texting. He could tell her mind was somewhere else but he was afraid to prod at what it could be. He tried complimenting her more and other things to cheer her up, but it all seemed useless. He couldn’t seem to figure her out any more. Before when they were dating she seemed to just give off these obvious vibes about how she was doing. But now it seemed as though she couldn’t trust him anymore and felt like she needed to hide her feelings so he wouldn’t know. It bothered him because he desperately wished for a second chance. He knew that destiny or fate or some other mysterious power wanted them together. They went so perfectly together but it as if she couldn’t see it. He made feeble attempts to show her how much she cared but it was if she brushed them off without a care. At one point he had blatantly asked if she would ever give him a chance, based off her feelings, her response was a maybe, probably yes”, one of the most unsure things he had ever heard. But he took it as a step up from what he was expecting and smiled. He felt like a smile was a big deal for him now. Something so simple and common seemed like an accomplishment for him with how he had been these last couple weeks, especially with Jade being the only one able to bring him one. After she had told him that he had been really trying to be boyfriend material, but it seemed as though she didn’t want to. She acted as though he was just being playful; it was frustrating for him because since he couldn’t read her anymore he just had to assume she liked him. No, not even assume, pray he liked her. She was his last saving grace, the only one he knew right now that could stop the blade from going across his wrist, he needed her. His elusive smile had vanished just as quickly as it appeared when she had to go. He instantly felt as though something was missing, when she leaves it’s like he can’t focus or think properly, always distracted or far away. Either thinking about her, or fantasizing about her, romantically or sexually. She was just there. He put his phone down finally and thought of what he wanted to do. He wasn’t hungry, or tired so he decided to get tired. He didn’t have anything he wanted to do so he wanted to sleep. But he wasn’t tired so he decided to go for a nice bike ride. When he bikes it’s never calm, he pushes as hard as he can taking every jump and hill he can. It always manages to get his heart pumping and breathe heavy. Another thing is that he always listens to music. Full volume or nothing, it helps him get into it more, makes it more exciting and such. His mother always warned him about this because he would never be able to hear cars or pay attention to the outside world. He didn’t really care though either, he just wanted to enjoy himself, but the thing with teenagers now a day is their idea of fun usually revolves around stupid dangerous things, such as racing around on a bike while blasting music. But he didn’t care; he did what made him happy and ignored the rest.
He returned home around twenty to thirty minutes later and realized that was just the trick. He went upstairs and crashed on his bed, luckily there was no razor this time. He slept for what felt like half an hour, and actually ended up being half an hour. He woke up with a startle and it took him a few seconds to realize why. Once his senses come to him he realizes he was brutally woken up by his mother screaming at him about being lazy and not doing what she asked. He hadn’t a clue what she was talking about, and he could feel his anger boiling up inside himself. He wasn’t particularly fond of his parents and not just from being some sort of rebellious teenager, it was because it didn’t seem like his parents were particularly fond of him. They yelled at him day in and day out, it seemed like they gave him impossible tasks just to have a reason to get angry with him. It got to the point at times where they would hit him. He had been smacked across the face a few times by his mother, and his father had lashed him with a belt before. It was excruciating. There were marks there for weeks to come. You’d think it wouldn’t be as bad from someone who cuts but it was a whole different kind of pain. He was honestly tempted to reach out and throw his mother into the wall adjacent from him but he resisted the urge because he was afraid of the consequences. He just sat there and let her rant, but there was something extra aggressive about her today, and something about him today was off and he just… Snapped. He stood up, towering over her with a look of pure hatred on his face and for the first time ever, he could see legitimate fear on him mother’s face. She back up against the wall and he stared her down. With the swiftest of movements he went around the corner and down the stairs. He could hear his mother screaming his name but he quickly put his shoes on and booked it outside. Running as fast as he could to god knows where.
He stops after about 5 minutes in a local forest adrenaline rushing through him. He picks out his phone and calls Jade, she doesn’t pick though, and he feels a wave of disappointment. He decides to leave a voice mail telling her where he’ll be in case she picks up later. He doesn’t explain the scenario as there isn’t much time. He stands up and continues walking. He can hear police car sirens in the background and he knows they’re after him. He steps out of the forest and into the main town it’s late at this point and the majority of shops are closed. He just now realizes that he won’t be able to return to his house ever. He was going to have to learn to live on his own. Is biggest fear was to be found by a bunch of punks who thought it might be funny to beat him up or something, but it wasn’t as much of a fear as it was a paranoia. He couldn’t stop thinking that it was going to happen and out of sheer panic his first thought is to get himself a weapon, preferably a gun, but what would he use to buy it, Rocks? He knew he wouldn’t be able to get one legally which one left him one option. He found the local pawn shop and saw it was closed; he did a quick back and forth to see no one was around and smashed his way through the window with his elbow. The alarms went wild and panic set in; he looked around and quickly grabbed a hand gun with an extra clip and sprinted back through the window and hoped no one would catch him.
He didn’t stop running until he reached the place he told Jade he would be. A park about twenty minutes from his house, he takes a seat on a bench and waits, he was peaceful considering all that had happened, but out of nowhere it started to pour, just sheets of rain. He was soaked, head to toe in under a minute. He sat shivering with the gun clenched in his hand fearful and anxious. He looked back and forth waiting for her to come, hoping she would show up. He heard the sirens again but this time they were much closer, he knew it would only be a matter of time before they found him and sent him back to that hell hole of a house he lived in. He heard motors now; the cars must have been on the road behind him. He looked up and saw a figure, just the silhouette of a person. There was no way to define anything of them, he tries squinting through the rain to see who it could be when he thinks to himself that it must be the police, they’re here to check the park in case he’s there, he starts to panic again and his first instinct is to raise the gun, he takes careful aim, and pulls the trigger. The gun goes off with a bang, louder than anything he’d ever heard. He drops the gun, realizing what he’d done and runs over to the body. But as he approaches he realizes the person isn’t in a uniform, no belt or vest or police logo, the first thing he notices is the shoes, the skater shoes. Something worn by a teenager, his heart stops as he takes the final steps before standing over the body. The body of a girl. The girl. Jade. He couldn’t feel anything, his whole body was numb. He drops to his knees lifts her onto his knee, and cradles her limp body, crying. For the first time in years he is crying, his mask meant nothing anymore. He had nothing left anymore; he didn’t need to hide anything. He wasn’t afraid to show how he was feeling. He couldn’t stop crying, he knew that if Jade was gone he had nothing left. No family, no friends. He was completely and utterly alone. Only one thought came to his mind. He gently put her lifeless body down, stood up and walked over to a bush. He reached out and picked the most beautiful flower he could find turned back and put it on her chest and put one of her hands over it, he leaned down and gave a gentle kiss on her lips. They were already cold as ice. He felt a shudder down his spine, he then lay down beside her, reached into his pocket and revealed a razor. He started to cry again, as he took the razor into his shaking hand, pressed it as hard as he could against his wrist and pulled it across, it immediately started over flowing with blood, his arm fell and he could feel the life leaving him one drip of blood at a time. He took the hand of Jade in his, and turned his head to face hers, gave her a kiss on the cheek and said his final words. “Jade, I love you.”
